Post #316 To Be Selfish

I WANT 112 MINUTES WITHOUT SCHOOL, WITHOUT TASKS, WITHOUT EXAMS, WITHOUT MATH, WITHOUT GONZAGA FESTIVAL, WITHOUT PHONE CALLS, WITHOUT SMS, WHITOUT FIGHTS, WHITOUT ANY OTHER SHITS TO WATCH MICHAEL JACKSON’S THIS IS IT.

and then i’ll do whatever anyone asks me (nicely) to do.

can i just want something which is important to me? this may sound silly and/or stupid, but i just want something i consider important to be treated with respect.

i want to watch it so badly because my grandfather and i both love MJ so much. and i think that’s very sweet. and i really want to watch it, so bad. that’s why it is important to me to watch it.

i’m crying right now, L.

Post #315 I’m Really Hungry Right Now

even though i had eaten a lot of food today. i actually still have a craving for ketupat sayur and pempek (is this how it spelled? although i’m fuckin’ allergic to this beautifully made traditional palembang cuisine) and mie gajah mada and timothy’s pancakes and erwin’s mie ayam and tamani cafe’s lobsters and american grill’s steaks and swekiaw  and hakau!

i actually promised myself during my bath two minutes ago, if i ever get a paycheck for teaching at SMP PJ i want to buy myself a lunch box (hopefully a pink one) and bring my own lunch to school (and wake up earlier to make my own lunch; duh, i have to do that on my own). and give the rest of the money to gonzfest (yea, like it’s ever going to happen! i did that last year. oh, how evil i am being now). i’d like to give it to my grandpa to help pay my UPH second (and last) payment installment, no matter how much or little it is.

and i want to share this : "’an old friend” of mine came by for a surprisingly a little uncomfortable visit. not that i dislike you or anything (trust me, i really do like you), but as i promised we’re never going to see each other again. okay? it’s for my own good and, most importantly, my own wallet’s good. you’re a little bit high-maintenance. we have to part and, surely, i’m making myself not going to miss you. i never miss you for the last 3years. i can live another 3eternities.

_______________________________

this blog is mine, my intention is only to entertain. mostly being entertained is myself, but if you do i’m thankful. you readers have the rights to read, comment, feel, or to speculate over what i wrote. but you are not to critique, this or myself. this is a private matter to myself i decided to share with you readers; there are no right or wrong. you may not judge. i am fully responsible for what i write here. but it is most definitely not you business to make a fuss out of it.

be a responsible reader, as i am with my writings.

Post #314 Something

is hidden for me and i’m being lied to.

Post #313 D*MN!

last night, after timothy’s phone call i downloaded the most wonderful thing in the world : pyotr ilyich tchaikovsky’s album of the nutcracker suite, the swan lake, and sleeping beauty; and all the music scores!

the night before, i downloaded every mozart music scores possible.

it’s kinda crazy, it’s kinda addictive. yes, that’s true and i’m honestly addicted to missing playing :)

Post #312 First and Last One Today

this is, i guess, a prayer

i miss playing so bad and i want to do so.

i’ve been so sad and so lost these few days. reading old music scores and new ones, helped me went through it all a lot.

i want to play, now and forever more! :)

saung angklung udjo : children are music itself

Friedrich Nietzsche : without music, life is a mistake

Post #311 Again and Again, It Is Always SO D*MN F*cking Right!

hello there everybody!

i don’t know about you, but the little quotation box on the right panel of my blog IS ALWAYS RIGHT. at least, it is so relevant with what’s going on in my life, EACH AND EVERY DAY. sometimes i think it’s sweet but most of the times i just think that IT IS SUPER ANNOYING.

i’ve had enough talking to a machine (read : telephone and cell phones), chatting my time up on my laptop, writing this blog on my laptop, and seeing people thru webcams. not that i despise those ways, NO! it’s a revolution of communication techniques! but i just have had enough talking to a machine and i don’t want a machine (even if i do call my VAIO CR323 “baby”) to analyze and know who i am. even though it is incidental and is a matter of luck.

but, damn it : this blog is soooooo lucky!

shit, i love you my dear semangkuk mie ayam dan es teh manis, L.

Post #310 Okay, Thought It’s Over but It’s Not!

well, that’s how life rolls : it’s unfair and it’s confusing and it’s fuckin’ unpredictable.

all i dream of is studying in netherlands. now, it’s on my grip, it’s right in front of my eyes. i’ve got an interview with the hague university. but for, even when it is right in front of me, it would still be a dream.

IRONY! damn it!

maybe it’s not my time yet.

timothy, for the thousandth times CONGRATULATIONS! i know you’ll know what to do. it is your future, you know it best :) i love you, L.

Post #309 Chat with Khairina Anindya

she’s my best friend, so close and i really miss her so much!

when we get together, all we do is read each other’s inbox from each other’s boyfriend. so fun! and eat, a WHOLE LOT of food. it’s scary when we eat :P

anyway, this is the conclusion of what we chatted (in indonesian, it is meaner in indonesian) :

masalah kepanitiaan TOSCA, G@LaXee POINDEXTER, dan GonzFest (terutama yang recently curhat juga) itu SAMAAAAAAAA AJAAAAAA!

hahahahahaha, seru juga na kita curhat2an. we have to do this more often, and i really miss our sleepovers. it’s my turn, my house :)

gue inget waktu graduation selesai lo bilang gini ke gue, na : luna ngga usah ke gonz (sambil nangis).

dan untuk lo gue jalan kaki dari kantor gue sampe harvest dan bela2in naik angkot buat kue lo! hahaha, i love you more than anything na! hehehe

satu hal yang gue sesalin di gonz : i don’t get to spend high school with you.

sedang kangen parah sama lo naaaaaaa!

Post #308 The Greatest Words Come When You’re on the Deepest Down

i don’t want to laugh when all i want to do is cry.

i don’t want to hold my cry because i have to be the shoulder to cry on.

i want to be human.

laugh when i’m happy.

cry when i’m sad.

angry when i’m mad.

lately, i’ve not been doing so.

okay, this is only an intermezzo. this is how i feel right now. it feels like everything balled up in to one huge atomic bomb, ticking to blow up any second. i don’t want another breakdown. i had it, three years ago. it’s the worst feeling of my life.

i just want to be heard. i’m not used to talking to people about my feeling. i can’t do that, even to the most closest people of my life. i was raised knowing it’s a shame to open who i am. that does not make me feel like a human being.

as brave, as tough, as whatever people see me; they’re just feelings smartly conjured up to not show that i’m really afraid.

i know i’m not alone, but i'm just not used to talking to other people how i feel. if i’m asked about it, i feel like being pressured doing something i don’t want to do.

i’m weird. no, the right term is : i have a lot of problems and i can’t open myself to clear it up. damn!

Post #307 I Told You, No Matter What

I’ll Stand By You by Carrie Underwood

Oh why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
So if you're mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
Oh I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you

________________________________

i’ve told you once and i tell you again : i’m with you all the way, no matter what.

so here’s the deal : i trust you, you trust me. don’t misuse that. we support each other :)

well, at least that is what i’m proposing. i love you, okay? really do.

timothy satyaabieza :)

Post #306 The Most Wonderful Way to End My Day(s)

i was browsing levi gunardi and somehow it led to sore’s album centralismo article in time magazine and i got linked to a photo-essay about kids’ books come to life and i nearly cried. they are the most wonderful stories and the most amazing movies (except for jumanji, i guess. it’s a dreadful scary thing to watch).

and i really want to watch the 1974 musical : The Little Prince and more wanting than ever to read its original book in French. one day perhaps.

 

yea, one thing surely have got to be done before i die : i read the whole book in French or have somebody read it to me in French.

Post #305 The Entertainer

song composed by Scott Joplin.

when i was still in YPM about grade elementary or 1, i used the room at the very corner on the first floor right below the backstage of the amir pasaribu concert hall. in while playing my music, i used to hear this song played by either levi gunardi or the senior students.

and then, i worked really hard to get to grade 4 where they play all the cool classic songs to play that song. when i got to that grade, i wasn’t given that song. to this day, i never play that song. my teacher told me it wasn’t really my style. i had got to agree, when i got to grade 4 eventually, it was actually something i would play. i hear, yes. play, not really.

i was given blue danube instead. lovely song.

it was a bittersweet experience being a student there. i missed it.

Post #304 Morning Day Sunday

i’m questioning myself : who i am, how people look at me, and how i treat other people.

i’ve changed. i’m not a good person.

i’m sad :’(

Post #303 Yearbook 21 : About to be Cover

going to be edited soon :) working on it!

Post #302 GONZAGA FESTIVAL : Registrasi

Post #301 This Day is Dated October 6th 2009

first of all, i would like to say thank you Jesus Christ for all of Your guidance and blessings that i made it this far to the finish line and got the scholarship. i’m an UPH scholar.

special thanks to my grandparents, my mother and sister (i guess), timothy and his family : i really don’t know how to thank all of you; timothy thank you for taking me there and really be there with me on the interview, erc gleny jesbon : you guys are the best friends!, ceno (he said i’m gonna get it, thanks), ma’am rini for the amazing pep talk and support, bu wara for the application form and a whole lot of smiles, pak him for checking my essay, and all of the people who wonderfully helped me along the way.

i have only one way to thank you guys : i’m going to do this right and be the best! they ask for IP 1.25, i’m going to give them 3,25 at least!!

i’m crying right now. i wanted to cry since this morning and really wanted to when abe came over to my house (i just horribly messed up before). he really is the best, i’m sure of that. undeniably, he is a wonderful person. i’m glad he’s my best friend and i get to fall in love with him :)

it’s a wonderful letter the mailman gave to me, L.

Post #300 OOOOOooooooooooo YYYyyyyeeeeaaaah! Ver. 3.0

this is the third time i’ve written this post. first and second times i wanted to write about PJ. but after few important things happening in my life these last few days, there are better things to be posted!

1. i love timothy satyaabieza :) he’s such wonderful best friend. and if possible, i don’t want to fight with you, honey :):)
2. me and my friends have been working very hard on the upcoming Gonzaga Study Tour for the year 12 students. i hope they really like it and it is going to be a memorable and exciting and fun trip. oh, and i really love the yellow strap the committee going to wear. ncis (christian natasaputra; it’s easier pronounced ncis :P) wanted it to be bright colored and recognizable. i said yellow. after few persuasion, he said yes. hehe :)
3. friday night, my grandfather’s phone (motorolla V3) was stolen in an angkot (damn you public transportation of indonesia. unsafe and can’t be trusted in everyway: the driving, bureaucracy, security, convenience, the facility, EVERYTHING!). so he blocked his number. after two days of *probably* depressed and thinking, today (sunday 4/10) he went out around 8 am (i just woke up) and got home sometimes before 2 pm (i just woke up again).  he got home with a motorolla smartphone (which i acknowledge as motorolla’s BB). LOL! he is such a funny guy! :P and it is not as expensive as i thought it would be. it worth just a couple thousand more than mine. and it’s black
4. oh, this morning, ceno asked me if i’m okay. it’s nice, thanks for asking :) but why? hehe..

it’s a nice H-3!