Post #308 The Greatest Words Come When You’re on the Deepest Down

i don’t want to laugh when all i want to do is cry.

i don’t want to hold my cry because i have to be the shoulder to cry on.

i want to be human.

laugh when i’m happy.

cry when i’m sad.

angry when i’m mad.

lately, i’ve not been doing so.

okay, this is only an intermezzo. this is how i feel right now. it feels like everything balled up in to one huge atomic bomb, ticking to blow up any second. i don’t want another breakdown. i had it, three years ago. it’s the worst feeling of my life.

i just want to be heard. i’m not used to talking to people about my feeling. i can’t do that, even to the most closest people of my life. i was raised knowing it’s a shame to open who i am. that does not make me feel like a human being.

as brave, as tough, as whatever people see me; they’re just feelings smartly conjured up to not show that i’m really afraid.

i know i’m not alone, but i'm just not used to talking to other people how i feel. if i’m asked about it, i feel like being pressured doing something i don’t want to do.

i’m weird. no, the right term is : i have a lot of problems and i can’t open myself to clear it up. damn!